


Empathy

by DreamingOf4A



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Earthquakes, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hugs, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-09 20:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11676375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingOf4A/pseuds/DreamingOf4A
Summary: Javier had been aware of Yuzuru before. But after the 2011 earthquake, the boy suddenly becomes very important to him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was born after hearing Miki say she and Javi were training with Morozov in Fukuoka when the 2011 earthquake happened. That Javi was in Japan when Yuzu was going through all that, my imagination just ran away.
> 
> Javi never actually shared any thoughts about how he experienced the tragedy. So all of his reactions here are the result of my imagination.
> 
> He has spoken about his adventure in getting to the camp and how that was pretty much the last drop in making him leave Morozov in his book (in Spanish). He's also spoken about struggling with anxiety around then, though not in great detail, so, again, my imagination.

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

There was a lot of commotion around.

The staff were agitated and Javier had no idea why. He didn’t understand much of Japanese and in all fairness, he was too tired to even think about it.

He’d always liked Japan.

After his adventure in getting to the training camp… he hated it.

He heard Miki’s startled reaction, though, and couldn’t help but take notice.

A moment later, Nikolai and the rest called an end to practice - which completely baffled Javier as he hadn’t even touched the ice yet - and all the Japanese people poured out and into the resting rooms, where TVs were switched on. He could hear panicked voices resounding from the TV and curiosity finally got the best of him.

As he squeezed his way past some people, he finally had a good view of the TV.

Only he had no idea what he was looking at.

He felt Nikolai come to stand next to him and was surprised. Even though Nikolai was still his coach, it felt like they lived in separate Universes.

Florent joined them as well and he asked what Javier had not.

“What’s going on?”

“Tsunami.” was all Nikolai said.

Together with everyone else they watched masses of brown water drown houses, pick up cars and destroy everything. Some people in the room were crying.

Javier was shocked. And terrified out of his mind. That was in Japan, right? And they were in Japan. So why the fuck was everyone just standing around doing nothing?!

As if sensing his rising anxiety, Nikolai put a heavy hand on his shoulder. It wasn’t a comforting gesture. It was a “calm down and don’t be stupid” gesture.

“Where’s that?” Flo asked and Javier was happy the Frenchman sounded as scared as he felt.

“Sendai. East of Japan. Far from here. There was a big earthquake, that we didn’t feel.”

“Putain… I hope people are fine…”

Nikolai didn’t say anything. It was a nice thought, but a pretty stupid thing to say. It was obvious a lot of people were anything but fine.

“Worlds will likely not happen anymore.” the coach said eventually.

Secretly, Javier was happy. He wanted to go home. He knew Morozov was right. They hadn’t felt the earthquake, so chances of such a tsunami hitting them was small, but it was the last drop. Javier wanted off of that damned island and back to his beloved, safe Madrid.

As he was about to turn around, to leave the room and change back to his street clothes, a new wave of excitement tinged with worry made it through the staff. And he heard a name he recognized.

Hanyu.

It had been impossible not to notice the purple feather and pink clothed kid with his Winnie the Pooh plushie and breathtaking, crazy triple axels.

Turning to his coach, Javier was surprised to see him frown.

Again, Florent asked what Javier wanted to know before he could find the words.

“What about Hanyu? That’s the Pooh kid, right?”

“He’s from Sendai. He trains in Sendai, too.” Nikolai said, looking… upset. That was unusual.

“...So he’s there?” Florent asked, turning wide eyes to the horror images on the screen again.

Nikolai nodded. “Probably.”

Javier’s brain shut down then. He turned around and left. Changed and marched right out of the rink and towards the hotel. He saw and heard people in worried groups. Japan had come to a stop and all everyone thought and talked about was… that.

Javier could not deal with it. He couldn’t deal with it in itself. He absolutely could not deal with it knowing someone he knew was probably there.

He was going home. He didn’t care anymore, he was going home.

He somehow got to the hotel and up to his room and packed his bags.

Then sat on his bed staring at nothing. Trying not to think.

He picked up his phone and called his parents.

“Javi! Are you ok? There are no problems where you are right?”

“No, mother, I’m fine. We didn’t even know there was an earthquake until we saw it on TV.”

“Oh that’s good to hear!”

“Mother… I’m coming home. As soon as I can.”

“Javi… of course, we’ll be waiting for you. Did something happen?”

“It’s not working… it’s just not working.”

“Oh, Javi… come home. We’ll find another way!”

Javier shook his head at his mother’s resilience and optimism.

“Also… it seems safe here, but… I’m scared. I want to come home.”

“Of course, my boy. It’s scary even watching from here…”

“Mother… there’s…” He hesitated. He didn’t want to think about it, but…

“Javi?”

“There’s a boy… he got to seniors this year. He has this purple and white costume, with feathers…”

“Oh, I remember him. The beautiful Japanese boy!”

“Him… he’s… Nikolai says he’s most likely there…”

“There?”

“Sendai… where the earthquake and tsunami hit…”

Javier felt his blood freeze all over again.

“Oh… oh, Javi… oh, I’m sure he’s ok!”

“Mother, how could he possibly be ok? Even if he's physically ok…”

“Javier.”

His mother’s firm voice snapped him out of his anxiety spiral.

“When he comes back, I’m sure he’ll appreciate your putting yourself in his shoes and understanding how he must feel. But you getting carried away by that now is helping neither him nor you.”

“I know…”

“I know it’s hard to just switch it off. Maybe think of how, if you were friends, you’d have to be strong for him. Be strong for him, even if you’re not friends.”

“We’re not.”

In fact, Javier had never even really spoken to the kid. He wasn’t even sure he spoke English. He was just so young and different and flashy, it was impossible not to notice him.

“Then maybe try to become his friend.”

“Maybe I will…” If he’s still alive, he added in his head.

He had to cut off the call there. Promising to call back with news of his return.

Minutes later, the door opened and Sergei walked in.

“There you were. We had no idea where you’d gone.”

“Sorry, the atmosphere was just…”

“Yeah… aside from general worry, right now they’re going through all means of communication to locate all Japanese skaters and make sure everyone’s fine.”

“That’s cool…”

“The one everyone worried about the most is Hanyu. I understand Takeshi Honda and Shizuka, who are both from Sendai have been trying to find out anything, but it seems Sendai is completely cut off from the world… Nobody knows what’s going on there…”

“Oh…”

“Ah, sorry. It was this stuff you wanted to get away from.”

“No, it’s… it’s harder. When it’s someone you know.”

Sergei looked at him. He was one of few people who knew about his anxiety issues. Although not the full extent of them. But then he sighed.

“Yeah. I really hope the kid is ok… He’s really cool.”

“Yeah… really young, too.”

Before either could say more, there was a knock on the door and Florent opened the door a bit hesitantly and walked in.

“Word came from our federations. Everyone’s going back home tomorrow.”

“Home?”

“Well, first, we’re all flying to Moscow. Then we’ll see until they figure out what to do about Worlds...”

Javier wanted to protest that his home wasn’t in Moscow. But he held his mouth.

He knew Morozov was his only real chance of success.

So he grit his teeth and remembered his mother’s words. Be strong for that kid he’d never spoken to.

He didn’t know if he could do it. But for the moment it didn’t seem he had much of a choice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nebelhorn Trophy 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I know Machida withdrew, so likely he wasn't there, but I needed someone to speak about Yuzu so... AU? ^_^;

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

As Javier walked into the sign up office in Oberstdorf, his new coach right behind him, he froze up as he saw him.

Scrawny, black haired and docked in Team Japan gear like nothing had ever happened.

“Javi? Is something wrong?” Brian asked.

“No, it’s just… I didn’t know he’d be here.”

“He? Who?”

“Hanyu.”

“Oh… you know each other?”

“Not really. Just… he was in the earthquake and tsunami, wasn’t he?”

“Ah, yes… I think he was training at the time. Heard he lived as a refugee for a while. Then did a ton of ice shows over the Summer until his rink reopened.”

“I wonder why he came…”

“He came to win.” a voice answered from behind.

Javier turned around and saw another Japanese man he’d seen around but had never really spoken to.

“Tatsuki Machida.” he introduced himself.

“Javier Fernandez. I’m sorry, I wasn’t gossiping, it’s just… I was in Japan - in Fukuoka - when it happened and it was terrifying. And everyone was worried about him. I know I heard eventually that he was ok, though I don’t remember when… But if he didn’t have a rink…”

“Yuzu train during ice show. He did 60. Lots of practice. Yuzu always come to win.”

“Win? That’s ambitious.” Brian said.

Machida smiled. “That’s Yuzu.”

“You sound really fond of him. Aren’t you rivals?”

Machida shook his head.

“Not rival. Never beat Yuzu, so not rival. And everyone in Japan fond of him. He’s little brother to everyone. Little brother we thought lost.”

“That makes sense.”

Javier’s eyes were glued to the boy as he handed in his cd and papers and received his name tag and turned to leave with his coach.

He remembered his mother’s encouragement to befriend the boy.

First, though, he had to skate well.

He had a feeling that despite everything, he’d fallen behind the survivor kid already…

~.~

Javier stared at the results on the screen in disbelief.

He’d won.

Not him, the scrawny kid everyone had feared dead. The kid with no rink for half the Summer, who’d created his programs on the go in practices for ice shows.

Yuzuru Hanyu had won.

And although it hadn’t been a major competition, Javier was still shocked.

“You did well.” Brian told him.

He didn’t disagree. After some of the disappointments with Morozov, 4th in Oberstdorf felt like victory.

But he was far more focused on the unlikely winner.

Noticing, Brian looked to where they could see Hanyu with a big smile on his face, being congratulated.

“I guess Machida was right. The kid did come to win.”

“It’s kind of unbelievable…”

“Is it? In a way yes… but in a different way, he’ll be the most motivated skater around, for a while.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s a survivor. If he survived that, he can survive and overcome anything. The sky’s the limit for him.”

“I… never thought of it like that…”

Whenever he looked at Hanyu, all Javier could think of was his own fear that day in Japan.

He’d been right all along. Hanyu didn’t need him to be strong for him. Hanyu was already stronger, both as a person and as a skater than he was.

He became aware of Brian studying him and flushed a bit. He’d told Brian about his anxious tendencies, although it’d gotten a lot better since he’d left Morozov. But although Brian knew Javier had been in Japan during the earthquake and tsunami, he did not know about the mind numbing pain he had felt. Or his anxiety at thinking about Hanyu. But Javier felt like maybe Brian could read it in his reaction.

“Why don’t you go congratulate him?”

Javier hesitated and tried to make up excuses, but in the end he joined the people waiting to congratulate the kid.

Standing close and seeing his face, his smile, as people would shake his hand and congratulate him, Javier’s heart squeezed painfully.

He’d seen Hanyu smile before. He was one of those people whose smiles could probably power up a small village.

This was not such a smile. It was a strained smile. The kid looked overwhelmed and… he was not ok.

Without thinking much, and powered by a need to protect he couldn’t remember having ever felt for anyone outside if his family, Javier stepped forward and pulled Hanyu into a hug.

The boy stiffened initially, probably shocked at being hugged by someone he didn’t even know. Javier also vaguely remembered Japanese people were very particular about personal space.

He brought his mouth next to the boy’s ear and whispered.

“I’m sorry. But you look like you need a hug. Congratulations. It’s just a bit more, then you can rest…”

He wondered if Hanyu could understand him as he remained frozen in his arms for a few more breaths.

Then, just as Javier was about to let go, surprisingly strong arms came up and wrapped around his back.

Hands clenched hard in the material at the back of his jacket.

He felt warm breath against his neck as the boy rested his head in his shoulder.

And he just clung for a heartbeat.

Melted in the embrace and leaned on Javier. Borrowed some strength from him.

Before stepping back and flashing a bright - real! - smile.

“Thank you, Fernandez-san!”

Those dark eyes were sparkling and he felt a bit like he’d just blown life into the boy.

As Hanyu turned to the next person, refreshed, Javier felt… happy. And proud. 

He’d done it.

He saw Brian watching with a smile and had to smile back when his coach gave him a thumbs up.

As he headed for the lockers, Javier had the strong urge to call his mother and tell her he’d done it.

He’d been strong for the beautiful Japanese boy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cup of Russia 2011

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

Ignoring the sense of deja vu, Javier stared at the screen with the results in disbelief.

He’d won.

Not him. Hanyu. Again.

But Javier had come second. And he’d lost by only 0.03 points.

He wasn’t sure which was more unbelievable.

“That was so close!” Brian said next to him. Javier nodded.

“I’m so happy…”

“You could have won.”

“Yes. But I’m going to Finals. And he won.”

“... you really like the kid, don’t you?” Brian chuckled.

Javier could only laugh. His happiness was starting to overflow.

When he saw Yuzuru, the boy was smiling just as brightly. He couldn’t help it and dove in for a hug. This time, the boy was ready and immediately returned the hug.

Javier concluded Hanyu was as good a hugger as he was a skater. He found himself wishing they would continue to share many podiums, because the boy hugged with his entire body and somehow, his hugs felt like home. And home was the most precious thing ever to Javi.

In the press conference, Javier gushed over Yuzuru. He was a little embarrassed, but mostly he was happy. And people could just deal with it.

Yuzuru was as giggly as he was and he was pretty sure Jeremy thought they were a pair of idiots, but it was so great to hear Yuzuru laugh and see him smile. The coughs worried him, but nobody else seemed worried, so he tried to ignore it.

After the press conference, he touched Yuzuru’s arm.

“Are you ok?”

Yuzuru looked at him confused, so Javi imitated a cough, hoping it wouldn’t seem mocking. Yuzuru only reacted in understanding, then frowned, as if searching for his words.

“I have… uh… uhm…”

“Cold?”

“No, no… well, yes, but… more… I have…”

Yuzuru spotted his translator and quickly asked him something in Japanese and the man turned to Javier.

“Ah, Hanyu-senshuu has asthma.”

“That. Asthma.”Yuzuru exclaimed then bowed his thanks to the man, who left them with a smile.

“Asthma? No wonder you look like you’re about to pass out everytime you step out of the rink.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Be careful ok?”

“I am fine. Don’t worry!” Yuzuru smiled then ran off to where his coach was waiting, breaking off into another round of coughs as he reached her. He saw her shake her head and rummage through her bag, then pull out a little plastic bag he took and then brought out an inhaler from it.

“Asthmatic, too… the kid never stops surprising…” Brian commented as he stopped next to him.

All Javier could do was nod.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring 2012

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

There had been a lot of jokes going around TCC after rumors that Brian hadn’t just taken a random trip to Japan, but had in fact been summoned there.

Javier had simply laughed and then ignored them.

He was, however, very surprised when, five minutes after returning to the rink, Brian had asked him to come to his office.

Initially he feared he’d maybe done something wrong while enjoying the sort of break Brian’s absence had seemed like - even though they all respected all the coaches, Brian had that little something extra. They all behaved a bit better when Brian was around than when he wasn’t.

When Javier walked inside the office and sat down in front of Brian’s desk at the man’s invitation, he saw his coach was tired and a pensive and a bit worried. But not angry.

“I’m too tired to beat around the bush.”

Brian started and Javier felt worry return anyway.

“Ok…”

“There’s a skater who wants to come to train here.”

“Ok…”

“A rival of yours.”

Javier couldn’t help but stiffen a bit, but then forced himself to relax. Brian was not Nikolai.

“Who?”

“Yuzuru Hanyu.”

Javier blinked. And blinked again. And again. Then…

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Would you be ok with him coming here?”

“Yes. It’s no problem.”

“Ok, then…”

“Why, though?”

“What?”

“I thought… he and his coach got along well? And I’ve heard he’s a great patriot… Most Japanese skaters are returning to Japanese coaches and he’s leaving?”

“I don’t really know either. He says - or well, the translator said - that he’s very grateful to his coach. But he needs to go further to improve further. And he wants to train here.” Brian hesitated, then, with a slightly bemused smile, added: “He wants to train with you.”

“Eh? Me?”

“Seems he admires you.”

Javier felt himself blush. He didn’t remember ever having been admired before. Not by anyone outside of his family.

“He likes your quad salchow and in general how easily you do quads.”

Javier paused.

“So, technically, whom he admires is he you.”

Brian chuckled.

“I can only instruct. You’re still the one who learned and is applying the lessons learned.”

Javier couldn’t help smiling at that.

“So… when is he coming?”

“Good question. I’ll call them up to give my ok and we’ll see.”

“Awesome.”

“Javi. Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Trusting me to be able to handle both of you.”

“I have no doubts, coach. Plus… you know I’ve always liked him.”

Brian chuckled again as Javier left the office.

“Yes… that’s what I’m afraid of.” the man smiled, not looking very afraid, though.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2012\. The Ice. Part 1

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

“Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination: Tokyo. The temperature outside is 27ºC. The local time is 7:25am. Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the engines have been switched off. Thank you for flying…”

Javier tuned out the flight attendant’s voice, looking out the window and discreetly taking deep breaths. Jeff, sitting next to him was visibly excited.

“I love Japan! I can’t wait to get together with everyone again!”

“Yeah…”

“You’re gonna love it! Ice shows in Japan are seriously the best!”

“Mmm…”

He was saved from having to say more or thinking too much by the whole getting off the plane, getting through customs and recovering luggage process.

He was back in Japan.

For the first time since he’d run away in 2011.

He’d thought it’d be a good chance to get used to the country again. The World Championship and Grand Prix Final would get there again, soon. And, as it turned out, he was assigned NHK Trophy in the coming season.

So better get used to Japan again!

On top of that, the pay for ice shows was better than he’d expected. So a great decision all around!

He hadn’t expected that mind numbing fear to come back as strongly as it did, though.

He was sweating like crazy by the time they stepped out into the visitor welcoming area, where they were met by an ice show staff member.

Everything seemed so normal, and yet…

After a few more hours, he was settled in his hotel room in Nagoya.

He was tired beyond belief. 

That had a pleasant consequence, though, in that he was getting too tired to be scared anymore.

A knock on his door revived him a little.

Jeff.

“They’re giving me a ride to the rink to say Hi to everyone and make some plans for tomorrow. Want to come or want to take a nap?”

Javi looked at the time on his watch - which he’d switched to Japan time. It was just past 2pm. Sleeping would be a disaster.

With a sigh, Javi nodded.

“I’m coming. Give me 10 minutes to get ready.”

“Sure. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

Javi showered at hyper speed, put on some jeans and a tshirt, grabbed his sports bag, put his skates and a jacket in, plus a couple of towels and his bag of toiletries, put his phone in his pocket and ran off to meet Jeff.

In just a few minutes they reached the rink.

Jeff stepped on the ice greeting everyone loudly, while Javi followed him quietly.

Of course, he knew pretty much everyone there, but he was new and had no idea about ice show etiquette.

He was snapped out of his shyness by a very familiar loud cry.

“JAVI!!!”

Javi turned towards the voice just in time to have Yuzu pounce on him.

Anyone watching could be forgiven for believing they hadn’t seen each other in months. When in fact it had been just a couple of weeks.

But he didn’t mind.

Instead his arms wrapped around Yuzuru and held him tightly.

“Hi, Yuzu!” he whispered in the other’s hair.

Having Yuzu, brave Yuzu - who had faced and survived things beyond his imagination - in his arms, helped more than anything else with his fear.

Brave, beautiful Yuzu...

“Are they always like that?” an amused feminine voice asked. Maia?

“Kind of…” An equally amused Jeff replied.

They weren’t though, not really.

But hugs between them were precious and had many layers of meanings that only they understood. And never spoke of.

He let Yuzu go as soon as he felt him tense to pull away.

“So happy Javi here! Ice show lots of fun!”

“I’m really happy I’m here, too.”

And looking at that brilliant smile on Yuzu’s face, for the first time since he’d accepted the invitation, he actually was happy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2012\. The Ice. Part 2

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

He and Yuzu had spent most of the afternoon fooling around on the rink, driving most of the other skaters crazy.

It was fun and Javi pretty much forgot all about his fear.

Then they all went and had dinner at a nearby izakaya and Yuzu had him try all sorts of snacks and got all the Japanese skaters - and some of the non-Japanese - to teach Javi the proper way to use chopsticks. Of course, he’d used them before and wouldn’t starve if given no other tool to eat with, but apparently he was doing it wrong and it became Yuzu’s mission to fix it.

It was past 9pm when he made it back to his room, cringing when he realized he hadn’t unpacked. All his clothes would be wrinkled beyond belief.

He started on the task, trying to keep his mind occupied, as panic tried to sneak in again.

And again, he was saved by a knock on his door.

He opened it to find Yuzu, dressed in shorts and tshirt, standing there looking shy.

“Yuzu… what’s up? Are you going somewhere?”

The boy nodded.

“Go run for better sleep. Javi come, too?”

Javi glanced at his half-unpacked luggage, then back to his teammate. It was an easy choice.

“After all the food you stuffed me with, I have to or I won’t be able to jump at all! Come on in, I’ll need 2 minutes to change.”

“Is ok, I wait outside.”

“Don’t be silly! We see each other naked every day.” Javi said, pulling the other inside and closing the door.

Then he grabbed a pair of shorts and an old Real Madrid tshirt and changed, before grabbing his running shoes.

“Do you do this often?” he asked to cover the silence.

“Do what?”

“Run before sleep.”

“Ah… yes. I need.”

“You need?”

Yuzu shrugged trying to appear casual.

“When can’t sleep, I run. If tired can sleep.”

“Oh… I see. And tonight you can’t sleep?”

“Probably no.”

“Why is that?”

“... Always happen. When go to Sendai it happen. When leave Sendai it happen.”

Javier’s heart clenched.

He’d been so caught up in his own issues he’d forgotten Yuzu’s trauma was so much greater than his.

But the boy had been back in Japan so many times…

“And while in Sendai?”

A pause.

“If stay long, get used.”

“If not?”

Shrug and silence.

“Do you get scared?” Javi asked after a few moments, while focused on his shoelaces.

“Scared?”

“When you come to Japan.”

“Ah… I always scared. In Japan.”

“You hide it well…”

A shrug.

“Japan is home. Can’t be scared.”

Javier believed fear was fear regardless of where one was, but he understood what Yuzuru was saying.

He stood up and walked to where Yuzuru was standing.

“I am scared in Japan.” he admitted.

Yuzuru met his eyes seriously for a moment - another of their wordless moments of understanding - before smiling brightly.

“Is ok. I keep Javi safe!”

Javi had to chuckle.

“As if you could, with how skinny you are!”

“I strong!”

“Sure you are!”

“I stronger!”

“Stronger? Than who? Then me?! In your dreams, pretty boy!”

A pouting Yuzuru punched him hard in the arm and Javier had to admit. He was pretty strong.

They continued bickering on their way down and even as they started running, but then Yuzuru started panting and they went quiet.

They ran in comfortable silence down quiet streets until they reached the port area.

Yuzuru guided them to a spot from where they could see the ocean. They sat together on a bench to rest.

The night was cooler than the day had been, but still pretty warm. The breeze felt good.

They were quiet while Yuzuru’s breathing slowly went back to normal.

It was Javi who eventually broke the silence.

“Tell me about it.”

He didn’t have to say what “it” was. Yuzu understood right away.

He shook his head.

“No.”

“Why not?” a frustrated Javi turned to his teammate.

“Javi have own fear. That enough. Don’t want carry my fear, too.”

Javi was admittedly stunned by that.

“But....”

“No. Javi need compete in Japan. Disaster story distract.”

“What about you?”

“I am fine. Used to it.”

“Yuzu…”

“Let’s make deal.”

“Deal?”

“After NHK, I tell you.”

“... after NHK?”

A nod.

“Ok. Promise, right?”

“Hai.”

“Though, you know… knowing your story might help.”

“Eh?”

Javi took a deep breath and told Yuzu his story.

“I was in Fukuoka then. It was on the news and it was terrifying. Then word got around that you were there. That someone I knew was there made it very personal. I was paralyzed by fear. I ran to the hotel and packed, though we hadn’t been told we could go home. It was the last drop though. Morozov wasn’t really my coach anymore and I just wanted to go home. I called my mother and I was panicking and I told her about you. She told me it was useless to get worked up by worry, but that I should be strong for you. So I could support you when you got back. That thought of “being strong for you” made it easier to focus and not give in to panic even after getting home. So, maybe if I knew your story, I’d be able to put aside my fear and be strong for you and, by extension, for myself.”

Yuzuru was quiet for a moment and Javier wondered how much the boy had understood.

Then, suddenly he stood up, startling Javi.

“Yuzu?”

Yuzu turned to him and pulled him up as well and into a hug.

It was different than before. Yuzu’s arms wrapped around him so tightly that he worried he might crack a rib.

Even so, he hugged him back. Wrapped his arms tightly around that slim body and just held him.

“Thank you!” Yuzu whispered eventually and his voice was shaky.

“Yuzu…”

“Really, thank you, Javi. This best thing anyone do for me.”

Javi was quite speechless at that.

“Like Takumi-kun save me and parents give full onigiri and Tsuzuki-sensei call to Yokohama. Javi be strong for me is best thing.”

Javi didn’t really know what any of the other things referred to, but he knew Yuzu enough to understand they were all big things for him.

“Yuzu…” he whispered tightening the embrace again.

“Thank you, Javi!”

There wasn’t much he could say, so he just held the boy close.

He was hit suddenly by the thought that Yuzu could have died. That he might have never had the chance to do this.

It choked him up and he felt a panic attack try to claw its way out.

“It mean a lot know Javi think of me then…”

Javier was snapped out of his panic spiral by Yuzu’s soft voice.

“Does it?”

A nod against his shoulder.

“Was very lonely. Very scared. Feel like world disappear. Or maybe world still there, but other Universe. Feel like only Sendai exist. Can’t think of skate. Want think of skate, but… don’t know if skate exist anymore.”

“Yuzu…”

“Memory still hurt. Still scared. But. Javi think of me then. That like… like… world exist. Not alone. So…”

“Thank you. Thank you for telling me this.”

“Thank you, too.”

Javi smiled against the boy’s hair.

“And after NHK, you’ll tell me the rest?”

“I will. Promise.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2011, March 11th-12th, Sendai, Japan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning as this is basically about Yuzu's first night at the evacuation center. There's talk of the earthquake, tsunami and victims.

Yuzuru was huddled under a flimsy blanket, wrapped up in several layers of clothing. 

It was still cold. 

The air he breathed was cold and it was burning his lungs, even with the mask he was wearing. 

There was no heating.

There were lights - old fashioned lamps placed high up and secured. So it wasn’t completely dark. But it might as well have been.

It was the middle of the night - what time exactly was anyone’s guess. He could hear people whispering. Some were crying. And then, quietly, calmly, as if it was the most natural ever…

“Another aftershock is coming.”

Yuzuru braced himself and wrapped the blanket more firmly around him. He felt his sister rubbing his shoulder and tried to take comfort in it.

The ground he lay on started shaking again.

He squeezed his eyes shut and grit his teeth. 

It stopped.

That hadn’t been that bad.

He didn’t think anything would ever be that bad again.

He  _ hoped _ nothing would ever be that bad again.

Even so, his breathing was fast and hard and he was shaking. He felt his mother caress his back and then her soft voice in his ear asking if he needed his inhaler.

He shook his head. It wasn’t asthma, it was just blind panic.

He was terrified. 

Even in the school where they were supposedly safe, he was terrified.

Terrified for himself, for his family, for his father whom they still hadn’t been reunited with.

Terrified for the world outside. 

He’d seen things on his way there. 

He’d blocked them out. 

He could not deal with the images and what they meant. 

Not yet.

Instead, he kept his eyes closed and imagined himself skating.

Slowly, meticulously, he went through every single program he’d ever skated. He imagined every step, every glide, every jump, every spin, every bow.  If he fell or made a mistake, even a small one, he started over.

He didn’t know if he would ever skate again.

If he were to be honest, at the time, it felt like the whole world had vanished and only this school still existed.

He didn’t know what happened.

He didn’t understand what happened.

And he wasn’t sure skating even existed anymore in the world.

But daydreaming. Image training. It helped.

When he next opened his eyes, the lights had been extinguished.

Instead, morning light broke through the windows.

There was a stir and soon the school staff started preparing onigiri.

This time it was one onigiri for two people.

His mother insisted he eat her part, too. After some protests he knew were futile, he promised he’d eat it, but slowly.

He wasn’t hungry.

Mostly, he was just scared and numb.

Some time later, his father finally joined them. 

Normally, he would have cried in relief. But he’d become too numb to really feel anything.

His world had just been shaken off its axis and nothing made sense anymore. His emotional self had shut down as soon as he’d stepped out of the rink and started seeing.

He’d already shut down by the time his sister and mother found him. He’d noticed their confusion and Takumi-kun’s concern. Deep, deep inside there was fear, concern, relief, but, aside from the fear that broke through all his barriers regularly, all the other feelings were like he was watching them through a soundproof window. He could see they were there, but he couldn’t feel them otherwise. 

With his father had come people with newspapers.

For a moment, Yuzuru had been shocked that newspapers still existed. Shocked and then happy. It meant there was still a world functioning normally out there.

It didn’t last.

The full impact of what had happened hit him for the first time.

The images he’d blocked came back and multiplied in his mind.

8.4 earthquake. 9.1 on the Richter scale.

Tsunami of over 12m.

Cities wiped out.

Tens of thousands dead or missing.

Nuclear threat.

His beloved home town in ruins.

He was stunned.

Yet again, it felt like the world had stopped turning.

He shoved the newspapers away, though he tried to keep up a calm appearance.

His father was a pragmatic man. He didn’t beat around the bush.

“We were all very lucky yesterday.”

“Father…” his sister sort of protested. 

He realized his sister and mother probably wanted to protect him. His father had always insisted he had to grow up and become a man to overcome his weaknesses. Which was hard to do with them baby-ing him.

He had no idea if his current emotional shut down was a sign of maturity or not. He found he didn’t really care.

He dug in his pockets for his media player. He knew he would run out of battery soon, so he just plugged his earphones in without turning it on and huddled under the blanket again.

It was still so cold.

The earphones didn’t do much in the way of muting the conversation, but it did make his family think he couldn’t hear them. So they spoke more freely.

Normally, he would have been touched and thankful for their thoughtfulness. In that moment, he felt insulted. He knew part of that was born out of his reaction on the ice. He’d been useless and put Takumi-kun in danger because he’d reacted like a scared child. He hated that. He swore to himself he’d become a strong man others could rely on, so something like that could never happen again.

“Our house is still standing, but everything in it is destroyed.” his father said.

“It didn’t seem that bad when I left...” his mother replied.

“There have been dozens of aftershocks.”

“Father, the tsunami…?”

“Far from us. Not a drop of water. The airport was engulfed and it traveled a few more kilometres after that. But it didn’t reach us.”

“Anyone we know? Grandma, grandpa?”

“As far as I know, everyone is fine, but… can’t know for sure.”

“How bad is it, really?” his mother again.

“It’s very bad. We can probably recover any cash and small valuables that survived, but we lost pretty much everything else. The house itself needs to be checked, whether it’s safe to stay there. They’ll give us an answer in a day or two. Pretty much everything in it will need to be cleared away. Replaced, eventually...”

“With what?”

“I don’t know. I’m not even sure when things will be somewhat normal again. So we can try to get loans. Or if the government will help...”

“What do you mean ‘if’? They have to help!”

“Saya. We’re actually infinitely better off than tens of thousands of people across Tohoku. We have a house. We can recover cash and we still have bank accounts. My school still stands and I’ll still have a job when schools start again. There are people whose houses were washed away. Destroyed. They have nothing but the clothes on their backs. All of your and your brother’s clothes should be fine. Many of them also lost their entire families. We’re all here, together and safe. We’re far from the top of the list of people that need help.”

Yuzuri felt a little bit bad about his sister for being chastised like that. He felt his mother giving her a one-arm hug.

“We’ll be fine.” Yumi said.

Yuzuru closed his eyes and hit the play button on his mp3 player.

They would be fine.

They probably would be fine.

But what about everyone else?

What about Sendai?

What about Miyagi?

What about all of Tohoku?

What about all of Japan?

He didn’t like that. The “we’ll be fine”. It made him think he’d even be able to skate again.

And that was no time to be thinking of skating.

Not when people were dying. Starving. Freezing. Suffering.

He had to do something.

To make up for his uselessness.

To feel a little less powerless.

To atone for those unfair thoughts he could not stop.

He didn’t know what he, a scrawny 16 year old kid, could do, but he HAD to do something.

A while later as his mother and sister left to see if they could help with the onigiri preparation or some such thing, he sat up and caught his father’s attention.

“Father…”

“Yes, Yuzuru?”

“I want to help. Somehow… I want…”

“Yuzu.”

Yuzuru stopped instantly. His father rarely called him Yuzu.

“I understand you want to help. But there’s not much you can do now.”

“But…”

“After we go back home, we’ll see if there’s anything you can do. Right now the best thing we can do is to be here for your mother and sister and not let the efforts of the people helping us be in vain.”

“But, father…”

“Yuzu. The most important work now is searching for survivors. You need warm clothes and warm boots and energy and a pretty thick skin for that. You have none of that.”

“... it’s because I’m not a strong man…”

“No, it’s because you’re a refugee, our house is too dangerous to walk inside of and your strengths lay elsewhere.”

“My strengths?”

“Your strengths are your sensitivity. Your pure heart. Your humbleness and your compassion. And of course your intelligence. Not everyone is suited to hard labor. And that’s fine. Maybe you can’t lift debris to help people potentially stuck under it. But you can help people heal with your kindness.”

Yuzuru felt like crying. He knew his father was praising him like never before, but all he felt was helplessness.

“But… but… I’m small! I can squeeze and search in narrow places…”

“Yuzuru, no.”

“Why not?! Shouldn’t everyone who can help?!”

“You keep your voice down now!”

Yuzuru’s mouth slammed shut and he flushed in shame.

“What’s going on?”  His mother asked, as she worriedly rushed over.

“Yuzuru wants to help.”

“Oh, Yuzu… I understand how you feel, but you’re not suited for it! What if you get an asthma attack in the middle of helping someone?”

Yuzuru felt like screaming in frustration.

His stupid body with its stupid limitations!

He resisted the urge to punch something and gritted his teeth, tears gathering in his eyes.

At least his face was downturned so maybe his parents wouldn’t notice.

He was startled when his father pulled him into a hug. 

His father rarely hugged him. Only on special occasions. His mother often joked she didn’t know how Yuzu had turned out to be such a hugger since neither she nor her husband were much given to hugging.

“Yuzu… maybe you’d deal with the cold and lack of strength wouldn’t be an issue and there’d be no asthma attacks either. But what I truly fear is that things you’d see would break that heart of yours. Once you see things, Yuzu, you can’t unsee them anymore. And I worry what finding the dead would do to you. Because there will be many more found that are dead than alive.”

Yuzuru flinched.

He hadn’t thought of the dead.

He didn’t want to think of the dead.

He knew it, deep in his heart, that his father was right. Seeing the dead… grandmas and grandpas and women and men who probably had children crying for them... children as well… seeing their faces… seeing their torn, lifeless bodies… it would affect him for life.

“What should I do, then?” he whispered, fighting back more helpless tears.

“You live. And you wait. Until the opportunity comes to give these people the best help that you can give them. That only you can give them.”

“When will that be?”

“Soon.” his father answered, but Yuzu knew it was a lie. His father couldn’t know that. He appreciated it, though, recognizing it now as support.

“And until then?”

“Until then you will find out how strong you really are. Because, Yuzu, the next few days will be the hardest of your life.”

Yuzuru took a deep shaky breath and nodded. 

As he pulled away from the hug, his mother grasped his shoulder.

“Soon we’ll be going home, too, and there’ll be plenty to do there to keep us all busy for a while.”

“Yeah…”

Saya just hugged him.

“That you want to help is already great, Yuzu! I wish I had your courage!”

“It’s not courage…” he protested blushing slightly.

“Yes, it is. You’re my brave little brother and I WILL brag with you every time I can! Prepare yourself!”

“... You already do that…”

“So I’ll do it some more!”

Yuzu had to smile at that and he hugged his sister tightly as thank you for bringing a smile back on his face. He’d started believing he would never be able to smile again.

As an elderly lady sitting nearby commented about them being such a wonderful pair of siblings, with a smile on her face and a tender look that spoke of her having seen other siblings like that, Yuzuru realized that his father was right.

There were many different ways of helping.

And maybe his way would be to help people heal emotionally.

He tested his theory by smiling at the lady. She smiled more brightly, tears welling up in her eyes, but in a good way. He could tell it was in a good way.

His heart felt ever so slightly lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably did not even come close to what Yuzu - and other survivors - felt and thought and experienced during these days. But I felt like trying to understand, at least a little bit. I have no idea about accuracy, because Yuzu hasn't really spoken about his own experience that much, so take it all with a grain of salt.
> 
> Also, what struck me a lot in Yuzu's own narrative of those days, that otherwise slipped from my mind when thinking about the aftermath of the disaster, is the cold. That's why it's a bit of a leitmotif in the story.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2012 NHK Trophy

It was already dark, though it wasn’t that late in the evening. Two figures were sitting on the twin swings in a random park in Sendai, bundled in warm jackets against the cool wind of that November evening.

Javier was staring blindly at the ground, unaware of how hard his hands were gripping the chains of the swing he was sitting on.

The quiet of the evening was only broken by soft squeak of the swing next to his, that Yuzuru was using to glide back and forth.

Not that Javier was aware of it.

He was trapped in the mental images that Yuzuru’s story had created.

The rink.

The streets.

The school.

The cold.

The fear.

The despair.

The helplessness.

The hope.

Blinking slowly as he slowly got back to his senses, he stood up and moved to stand behind Yuzu.

After a moment’s hesitation, he started gently pushing the other’s back, to make him swing higher and faster.

He delighted in the laughter that brought forth.

He felt his eyes fill with tears as he thought of how happy he was that this boy could laugh again!

They kept at it for a few minutes, Javi pushing Yuzu ever higher, Yuzu laughing and squealing in delight. 

Javi trying to get a hold of his tears, and Yuzu simply enjoying being young.

As the swing slowed down, Javi waited until it came to a stop, then stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Yuzu’s shoulders from behind, resting his head against his teammate’s.

“I wish I could stay like this and hold you like this forever. Keep you safe, so you never have to experience anything like that again.” He whispered against Yuzu’s hair.

“Javi…” Yuzu whispered back as he brought his hands to hold onto Javi’s, where they’d locked, just below his collarbones.

“But that’d be extremely disrespectful towards you as the survivor that you are.” the Spaniard continued.

“Javi…” Yuzu said again and his voice caught a little.

“So, I will let you go. Eventually. But for now...”

Yuzu chuckled, but his shoulders started shaking.

Javi held him tighter and buried his face in his shoulder. Being there for him, but giving him privacy. To cry all those tears he must have been holding back for so long.

Some minutes later, when the sound of Yuzu’s quiet sobs had been replaced by the occasional sniffle and a slight wheeze, and Javi’s hug hadn’t weakened a bit, Yuzu leaned his head back, against Javi’s shoulder.

“I’m so happy today, Javi…”

“Are you, really?”

“Yes…” was the dreamy answer, and Javi could tell he was smiling even without looking at him.

But he wanted to see that smile, so he lifted his head and took in Yuzu’s face.

It was tear streaked and his eyes were swollen and red even in the poor light of the park. He was still sniffling and his nose was red, too. But the smile was sunny and bright.

“You’re so beautiful, Yuzu…” Javi whispered, without really being aware of what he was saying.

Yuzu turned to look at him, eyes wide in surprise.

Javi didn’t really know what to say or do. He hadn’t meant to say that, but it was true.

And then Yuzu smiled again, more softly, then turned back around and snuggled in Javi’s embrace.

“So happy!”

Javi smiled and rested his face against Yuzu’s, though it was still a bit wet from tears.

“I’m happy, too, then.”

“Next, I want Javi podium with me!”

“Aye, aye, sir!” Javi mock saluted.

Yuzu laughed and Javier decided to make it his life's mission to make sure Yuzu would never lose his laughter. 

It was the least he could do...


End file.
